Transmission to an ex

Communicating the way numbers stations do

Image: radio_tower

I have thoughts that are about you and for you which run around and around in my head. Keeping them bottled is frustrating, sending them directly to you feels weak. Maybe I can just post them online and pretend the the circuit completed. After all, you'd only see it if you were checking in on me. As I'm writing this, I don't even know if I'm going to save the file. This is just what's in my head and that I'd like to say to you, without knowing if I should.

It would be too uncomfortable for me to know too much about your situation, and maybe for whatever reason, you wouldn't want to hear too much about me. Being vague so as not to identify you, you blocked me in some places online, but you left traces of yourself in other places. It's hard to divine anything from all the new and evolving nuances of interaction on social media, so I don't know what you think of me at this moment. But in any case, I feel that it's more respectful to not throw information your way without knowing it's impact, if any. So I'll try not to say anything that creates a specific image.

What I think I can say is that, so far, I have yet to meet someone who displaces you in my heart. It's not just the pragmatic mechanics of how the heart works, where having someone else to focus on would give me the leverage I need to be less invested in you. It's also that you were arguably the best relationship I've had to date. Not perfect, but only because nothing is perfect. There was a lot of honesty even when circumstances would have made it far easier to lie, and an abundance of support and mutual appreciation. We had some very difficult discussions, but I can't remember a single fight. It's a fairly tough standard for other women to live up to.

It made me happy when I saw your footsteps going past the things I put online. It gave me just enough sense of your presence, but without any excess information I might not be able to deal with. It's selfish, I guess, because I never reciprocated by leaving any similar trace of myself on any of your blogs or social network accounts that would let you infer that I still think about you. I just didn't want to trip over anything. You know how it is. It's not just that I fear seeing you in a picture with someone else or anything that blunt and specific. Well, I do fear stumbling over information like that, but not just that. Even just seeing your life as you live it, something that shouldn't have emotional weight, like you posting a picture of a sunset, would make me think about how I'm not there.

A part of me still hopes for a connection with you that's intimate. I can't help it. What's not to want about you? Honestly, though, if that doesn't happen, I still hope to evolve to the point where we can be friends. Whether it's because someone else takes up residence in the place my memories of you are now squatting, or if the passions dissipate by some natural evaporation. However it happens, I genuinely miss that part of our relationship where we talked, hung out, and all the things that aren't sexually charged. I'd like to be resilient enough to be able to do that now, because talking with you is so much fun. I think about how the conversation is the same whether or not we hold hands while we talk, but the experience is completely different. For basic human reasons, although all the words would be pretty much exactly the same, if we weren't holding our hands across the table, I wouldn't hear anything we said.

I have many female friends, a lot of whom are my type, but I feel only friendship for. Some of them are exes. If I can't be more with you, then I'd like you to be among them. I'm the kind of person who can do that now. I just can't yet with you. I still can't, even though I suspect for you it seems so much longer than it feels to me. For you, it's probably been nearly an eternity since your silence told me how your feelings have changed. For me, it feels like just a few weeks ago.

Time can be its own message, and you might interpret a longer period of silence from me as meaning something different than what at first seemed like it might be a month or two of me getting over it. I guess I worry that as our connection becomes more and more of an echo of the past, that it might seem that the intentions behind my avoidance might have evolved.

Which applies both ways. All this sentiment could very well be a mere screed of self indulgence if, while I'm writing this, you no longer have a reciever on my frequency. There are many reasons you could decide that it's healthier and better to not even be friends. I hope you'll always consider my love and support as having been a positive chapter in your life, but sometimes people need to evolve, even from good things. I hope you don't go so far that way that it means a lifetime of never hearing from you again, but I respect your decision if you do.

For most of my life, breaking up with a woman meant never wanting to see her again, ever. There are still some exes that I think could do me and the world a favour by falling off the planet. In recent years, I've managed to transition from lover to friend with some women. When I succeeded in that, it generally involved getting over my failures and resentments. In a few cases, knowing I dodged a bullet makes it easy to be casual in their presence. But this time is different. I'm not wounded, so this isn't about time and healing. I don't have a hurt to get over, no bitterness that I need to move on from, nothing like that. I feel nothing but good things about you. Good memories, respect, affinity. And I'm basically happy with myself and my life in general, so it's all good.

I just need to come down from a place where my affection is more than yours. While we were still talking, we spoke about how I only keep a distance because being near you but not with you is a contradiction my heart can't reconcile. I just want you to know that is still the state I'm in, even after all this time. The irony might be that without much negativity in the mix, its harder to recalibreate. Whatever. For good or bad, I still think about you, and what I think is that I don't want my continuing silence to be an indicator of a change that didn't happen. I miss you, and I want to miss you like someone away, not like someone gone.

Whatever is going on with you, I hope you're healthy and happy. If you're with someone, I hope he is good to you. Whatever your plans are, I believe in you.

Just don't tell me about it yet.

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